I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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