Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So apparently I’m into choking now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
