dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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