He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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