I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
