I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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