my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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