i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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