I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
