I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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