Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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