p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Randomize
