i just sent this text using only my big toe
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize