he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
