Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
