lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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