i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
