I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
