Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
