just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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