Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
