What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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