Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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