He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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