I think i peed on brittanys purse
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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