Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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