Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
bring money and cleavage
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
