This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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