hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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