so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Send help, water and tortillas.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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