I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
