btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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