The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
