His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
