How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.