You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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