Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
