I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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