Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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