I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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