well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
