this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
