The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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