I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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