Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
