3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
