Your mouth is God's brothel.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
