there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
