while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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