Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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