I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
