she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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