At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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