what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
